A client suggested I write a blog on loneliness, couples being fragmented and addiction, because of the overwhelming feelings of “I can’t deal with this” and looking for comfort, to be consoled and soothed.
So much healing and spiritual growth has taken place since 2020 with lockdowns, been forced to be at home 24/7 with our partners and families – that our relationships have taken strain. There was no escape because we were working from home, beaches were banned and we had no release from tension by being able to go to the gym or have a change of scenery with a weekend away or even going out for a meal. Not to mention the threat and fear that the media was feeding us and on top of that, some people losing their jobs or going on short time.
It was extremely stressful for most people with no tools of how to cope as we have never been in that situation before.
We are no longer the people we were in February of 2020
And depending on our backgrounds and our spiritual connection or faiths we have grown at different rates to those around us. Our spiritual journeys we do alone at our own individual rate and sometimes we out grow our partners – until they manage to catch up to us. Or maybe it is the other way round and the people around you have “left you behind”.
As we have ascended to the 5th Dimension many people struggle with the new energies and ways of doing things – trying desperately to do things the way it’s always been done in the 3rd dimension and the past. Unfortunately that is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and leads to more frustration.
Now here is something to consider
The way we are wired as humans is to chose the very people that can help us heal our inner child wounds, that is why the people nearest and dearest to us trigger us! The people in our lives are our teachers and often our mirrors (what annoys us in them is the very thing we do). And then our egos kick in and we point fingers blaming and yelling at our partners, instead of taking the opportunity to look at ourselves and see the beautiful gift of healing our partners are giving us.
This leads to unnecessary fighting and we try change the other person because they are the one hurting us. In these situations the only person responsible for changing is you. And the change will come when you heal your inner child wound.
We need to be given a soft place to fall as we grabble with the lesson before us and unfortunately with lack of open honest communication we often leave our partners in the dark as to what is going on for us, often giving them the cold shoulder of icy silence, shutting them out and leaving them feeling very lonely and isolated, while you are hurting!
How different things would be if we felt safe and secure enough to voice what was really going on and asking for support and understanding from our loved ones instead of pushing them away.
The wound that has been triggered is your inner child’s wound so only you can heal it.
Your partner, friend, parent, sibling cannot do the healing for you (which often is meeting the needs of your inner child) because you are now an adult! No other adult can do the inner child work for you. It’s like your inner child wanting more attention and affection from her dad – as an adult it would just be weird to sit on your dad’s lap or have him push you on a swing at the park!
And even if that did take place it would not make much of a difference, because the adult you would be receiving the attention and affection, not your inner child. So the healing takes place when you give your inner child what it needs.
One way you can do that is the moment you are triggered, take a breath and ask yourself what are you feeling.- Annoyed
Then check where in your body do you feel annoyed? Once you have identified where you feel the sensation ask the sensation what emotion does it have!
It will be something other than annoyed – something more a young child will say and feel, like sad, scared, stuck.
Ask that feeling when was the first time you felt like that. The first number that pops into your head is the correct one. Now ask that younger you at that age what did she or he want or need that they didn’t get and you give them exactly that.
If they wanted mom to get off the phone and play with them then visualize that happening. If they were upset because someone took the toy they were playing with, ask the younger you what would they have liked to have happened and then visualize that happening. You will be surprised how the feeling the younger you had, will match the feeling you experienced when you were triggered.
Every child needs Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Appreciation and been allowed to live expressively. If these building blocks of their foundation are not solid they will find it difficult to have meaningful relationships as an adult. {Taken from the book “How to be an Adult in Relationships” the five keys to mindful loving - by David Richo}
Addictions
Addictions start when we can’t deal with the eina and the trauma that is presenting itself. It starts as an unconscious action to sooth ourselves, to take the edge off and make us feel better in the moment. In this instant world of WhatsApp’s emails and instant food it really is a quick fix to pour that drink, light that cigarette or pop a pill to help us sleep. It is a way to escape what is going on around us and help us cope. After a while this coping mechanism becomes a habit and the only way to cope and we may find we need to do it more often to get the same result – and then it takes over our lives and we lose our self-control to the addiction of our choice. It could also take the form of over working, playing sport, running, reading, shopping, gambling - anything that will take us away from what we find we cannot deal with.
To break the cycle of the habit forming:
Catch yourself in the moment you are reaching for the cigarettes, alcohol or coping tool of choice and ask yourself “what do you really want?” Be brutally honest with yourself and then give yourself that. When I gave up smoking I did this exercise and usually I was smoking because I felt misunderstood, frustrated or lonely. What I needed in the moment was a hug, I wanted to feel loved – and so I would put my arms around myself and hug myself. I also used to go clean my teeth as ruining the fresh taste in my mouth with a cigarette was a turnoff for me. Just do not replace your bad habit with another one – like chocolate!
If you normally turn to a drink after work do something different after work, go for a walk, play with your children, drive to the beach – break the cycle! Change what you are doing during that crucial time.
The exercises I have mentioned go a long way in helping you help yourself.
If you need further assistance then book an appointment with a trained and skilled practitioner.