Late in October I lent my friend containers as she was moving and she still has not returned them, even though it is now the second week of December.
What has been most annoying is that she is not responding to my WhatsApp messages, even though I only asked for them back the beginning of December, thinking I would be considerate and give her ample time to unpack and settle in.
You can imagine the spaces I have been through
– the ‘Why’? The ‘what the heck have I done now’? The ‘is she angry with me?” the “is she just doing the silent “dealing with stuff” thing she often does? To the ‘this is just rude and I don’t deserve this’ and ‘this is so childish and unacceptable’
In the meantime I decide to start sewing again on the sewing machine my mom left me after she passed in August.
I was surprised at the emotions that hit me like a tidal wave, when setting the machine up.
I remembered how my mom wanted to gift her machine to me last year and how uncomfortable I felt in grabbing her things while she was still alive. On more than one occasion I turned her offer down, saying “leave my name on it for after you are gone, I will gladly take it then”.
Yesterday, along with the tidal wave of emotions came the thought that I had deprived my mum the pleasure of gifting me her sewing machine and the joy she would have felt knowing that I was using it. I looked at her photograph that is next to the table I was sitting at and in a blubbery mess of sobbing, told her how sorry I was, how thoughtless of me and how sorry I am for making it all about me .
I then heard my mom laughingly say “Shirl you are being silly, you are always so serious, it is not that important.” She often told me I was far too serious – and yesterday in that context -- I got it! I don’t think my mom cares a flying fig about her sewing machine anymore.
So back to my friend and the containers.
This morning it was still bugging me so as another friend suggested I chose to look at what is this trying to teach me or what is it that needs healing within me? I then asked for guidance and clarity and started drumming. (I love the rhythm and sound and it helps me to allow feelings, thoughts and ideas to pop up)
This time I had a vision of sitting on the beach in the wind. As the wind in my vision blew my hair from my face I began to feel lighter, freer. I heard ‘this is so unimportant let go of the control, the thinking, the trying to work it out’. I heard ‘step back and allow, create space by pulling back your energy, give her the freedom of choice”. And immediately I felt my body relax and expand.
All the puzzling and trying to work out her behaviour had made me constrict myself; I had made myself heavy, small and very limited. The phrase “will this even matter next year?” popped into my head along with my mom’s voice of ‘you are so serious, it is not that important’.
I love it how I was actually receiving the answer to my dilemma yesterday. I love it even more that when I missed the message it came around again today.
Where do you unconsciously try and micro manage the behaviour of others and let your expectations of how they should behave cloud your day? Have you noticed it actually makes no difference to the situation and only drives you batty? What is the quality of your life being this way?
I invite you to join me and choose to lighten up and let it go! Does it actually even matter in the bigger scheme of things?